Rerun of the Archons
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: UPDATED! What REALLY happened in Return of the Archons, with sissy revolutionaries, LandruLove, Kirk, Spock, The good Doctor and loads of slashy goodness.
1. The Dwead Piwate Woberts

Rerun of the Archons

A/N-- YES! Yes yes yes! -dances-...-ahem-... Finally, I have gotten this up. Go me! (been trying since Friday) But, anyhow, enjoy!

Disclaimer- I own nought, verily no suing shall follow...

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Two men in poorly-replicated period costume run through abandoned streets, cravats and tri-cornered hats flying. The man in front trips when he tries to jump off the curb, giving a good view of his black-clad butt to all and sundry.

The second man catches up and grabs his shoulders, revealing that he is Sulu! "O'Neil, darling, we can't stop here, they'll see us!"

"It's no use!" O'Neil moans, "They're everywhere!"

They back into a doorway in the middle of the block, clearly hoping that 'They' won't see them there.

Across the street, a man in a huge brown robe comes toward them, a big stick held menacingly in his hand. "I am the Dwead Piwate Woberts!" he calls in a deep voice. "Thewe will be no suwvivors!"

"The Captain gave us an order!" Sulu says, holding tightly to O'Neil's lapels. "He told us to find a Clue!"

"Forget the board games, Sir! There's another one!" O'Neil points. Sure enough, there are now three tall, hooded men in brown robes with large sticks.

Sulu desperately calls the _Enterprise_. "Sir, beam us up! Emergency!"

On the bridge, Kirk slouches over to Uhura, still trying to keep his big head in the shot. "Transporter room, beam up Sulu and O'Neil, immediately, they've found my game!"

Back on the Ranch, O'Neil hops over a wheelbarrow and abandons Sulu, who is rapidly being surrounded. Hoping that his tri-cornered hat and lacy cravat will protect him, Sulu stands his ground.

The first Dread Pirate Roberts impersonator waddles menacingly toward Sulu, pointing his large, brown stick at the officer's face.

Sulu suddenly gets this happy-afterglow look on his face, and the Dread Pirate Roberts retreats.

Scotty, (interrupted from his Scotch-making expedition deep within the engines) has finally gotten to the transporter room and beams Sulu up.

Kirk is waiting in the transporter room, tapping his foot impatiently. When Sulu appears, he rushes forward. "Sulu! Where's my game? Where's O'Neil?"

Sulu gives him a goofy grin. "What...Who?" he asks dreamily, still grinning.

"Lt. O'Neil! Where is he? Where's my game?! Did you make sure it has the candlestick?"

Sulu's grin fades. "You...You're not of the Body!"

Kirk looks insulted. "_I _beg_ your pardon?_ I most certainly _am_ The Body! All the women and half the men from here to Orion say so!" He pouts dramatically. "Scotty, send for Dr. McCoy. I need reassurance, Sulu's damaged my Ego!" Kirk sniffles.

Scotty pages the CMO. "Dr. McCoy to transporter room, _quickly!_"

Sulu stares at the random Blueshirt in front of Scotty. "You! You did it!"

Kirk whips around and glares at the Blue.

"These aren't the clothes they wear!" shouts Sulu, whipping off his jacket.

At the sound of removing clothing, Kirk's head spins toward Sulu so fast he almost gets whiplash.

Much to Kirk's disappointment, Sulu doesn't take off anymore clothing, but stares up into the lights adoringly and whispers "Landru..."

Kirk scowls. Grabbing the coatless Sulu's hand, he sits down with them on the transporter's steps, holding his hand.

McCoy dashes in, ready to 'comfort' Kirk. Seeing Kirk and Sulu holding hands, McCoy is flabbergasted! "What happened?"

"They're the sweetest, friendliest people in the Universe..." Sulu enthuses dreamily. "So friendly..."

Kirk raises his eyebrows. "Friendliest, eh? Even...uh...the women? How friendly are the women?"

"Paradise..." murmurs Sulu.

McCoy and Kirk exchange looks.

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Kirk sums up– "So, like, we were orbiting this planet, and like my search party came back, but only like, half of it? And Mr. Sulu's highly agitated mental condition? Like, requires that I beam down with, like, a search detail."

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A/N- Just a short one, but next chapter is coming up...

Allyp


	2. Vacant and Content

Disclaimer- I do not own...well, anything.

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Kirk, Spock, McCoy and two Redshirts beam down in 'period costume,' although curiously enough, none of them is wearing a cravat. Sulu must have just had one lying around somewhere. Spock, of course, is dressed in a black cape, with a black tea-towel thrown over his head, looking somewhat like a nun.

A man walks by and puts his hand to his heart while he smiles dreamily at them, before passing by.

Kirk looks pleased that he's had such an effect on the populace already. He straightens his tie and smirks.

Spock leans toward him, frowning. "Odd," he says quietly. "The expression on his face, mindlessness–" (Kirk nods, pleased) "–vacant contentment."

Kirk frowns, worried. "Contentment? Content is not good. Content does not inspire wild parties with alien babes of multiple genders. Content is like...like..._fat_ and, and–_old_ and..._married!_" He shudders in horror. He looks over the street and notices that all of the people (in shoddily reproduced Victorian-ish clothing) are walking slowly and dreamily about. "They're...they're like Sulu! Content is not good! I don't want them to be content at the sight of me!" He pouts prettily and one of the Redshirts swoons and collapses onto the pavement with a 'thud'. "Let's go," Kirk growls.

Redshirt #368, (you can tell he's the straight one, from his bad haircut), sighs and tosses his co-worker over his shoulder to follow Kirk. McCoy trails along behind Kirk and Spock, holding his little black 'medical bag,' which looks suspiciously like a clutch purse.

A creepy man in a bowler hat comes up to them. "Joy to you, friends." he places his hand on his heart and bows.

Kirk, still pouting, does the same. "Joy to you," he says grumpily.

The man leers at Kirk in a way that is neither vacant nor content, and Kirk starts to feel a little better. "You'll be strangers, then? Come for the Festival?"

Kirk glances at Spock, then gives a sulky nod.

"Got a place to sleep it off, yet?" the creepy man asks, winking.

Kirk clears his throat, looking a little more interested now. "No."

The man grins. "Go 'round to Reger's house, he's got rooms."

Kirk and Spock exchange glances, Kirk smirking slightly.

"But you'll have to hurry, it's almost Red Hour." He points to the clock behind Kirk.

As one, Kirk and crew turn around and look at the clock tower. It is three minutes before six o'clock and conveniently the people here tell time the same way they do on Earth.

"Is Red Hour at all like Red Light?" Kirk asks curiously.

A young woman walks by Kirk dreamily and while she is neither green nor half-naked, she has enough of an hourglass figure for Kirk to be completely sidetracked. McCoy, standing just behind Kirk, and Redshirt #368 both stare as she goes by.

Spock prods Kirk subtly. "Oh! Uh...this festival, does it start at six?"

Another young woman with exceedingly poofy hair comes up, catching Kirk's eye.

"Tula!" shouts the creepy man. "These folks have come for the Festival, your daddy can put them up, can't he?"

Tula, who is also not vacant or content, looks Spock up and down, (or what she can see of him beneath the cape and tea-towel), and smiles. "You're from the valley?"

Redshirt #368 (the straight one, remember?) gulps. "We've, uh, we've just arrived."

"Oh, my Father will be glad to put you up, though. It's right over there," she points and Kirk smirks his thank you.

The clock chimes suddenly, and everyone freezes. At the sixth chime, several people scream. The creepy man they were speaking to laughs and throws his hat into the air. Tula screams, taking off a glove and shaking loose her hair. Everywhere people are running and shouting. Women are being picked up and carried like sacks of flour by several men (and the occasional woman wearing a bowler and cravat). Rocks are being thrown into windows and people are beating each other up.

A dark-haired young woman jumps up and grabs Kirk, showing him the planet's famed 'Liplock of death.' Kirk has just decided that he likes this planet, when Spock pulls the woman off of him. Kirk scowls amidst gasping for air. "Fine, let's get out of here!" he shouts, dragging McCoy behind him.

McCoy, looking pleased, drags the revived Redshirt #86 behind _him, closely behind him_.

Debris flies through the air, and Kirk almost gets hit upside the head with a large brick. A perfectly round, fist-sized rock soars through the air, hits Redshirt #386 soundly on the head, and _bounces off!_ While the

Redshirt ponders whether this means he's _hard_-headed or _thick_-headed, (or perhaps just a numbskull), Kirk leads everyone to a doorway, where he stops suddenly, making everyone crash into him.

Red #86 keeps his hand firmly on McCoy's rear, to um... to be sure not to lose him, you see. They pile inside the house, followed by a brick and a couple of rocks, and slam the doors behind them. Well, more like close them gently. Kirk whips around and nearly runs into three older men, standing in the hallway.

Everyone stops in shock and stares at each other for a moment.

"I, uh," Kirk looks around. "I'm sorry to...break in on you like this, we didn't expect this kind of welcome..."

"Yeah," snorts McCoy, "usually everyone jumps all over Jim, not at each other"

The Redshirts snicker, but are silenced immediately by Kirk's glare.

The first stranger stares in awestruck amazement at McCoy, who notices him and stares back, speechless.

"Welcome?" says the second man, "You are strangers?"

Kirk, mistakenly believing that the first man's astonished, loving gaze is directed at him, puffs out his cravat-less chest. "We're...from the valley."

"From the valley?" sneers the third man, "You came for the Festival?"

"Well, yes..."

McCoy, at Kirk's shoulder, is still gazing in silent adoration.

"Then how came you here?" the third man snorts.

"Are you Reger?" Redshirt #368 interrupts.

The first man jumps slightly and tears his regard from McCoy. "Er, yes."

"You have a daughter named Tula?"

"Yes," Reger says, wondering if they're playing 20 Questions.

"Well you'd better do something, she's outside!"

"I know," Reger says, staring forlornly at McCoy. "It's Festival. It is the will of Landru."

"Reger!" protests the third man. "These are young men! They're too young to be excused!"

"They are visitors," Reger argues, spreading his hands.

"Have they no Lawgivers in the valley?" persists the third man. "Why be they not at the Festival?"

"Why be you the only one talking like that?" asks Kirk, confused. "We heard...you might have..._rooms_... for us."

"There, you see, Hacom?" Reger says placatingly. "They've merely come looking for a place to rest afterwards." He winks at McCoy, who flutters his eyelashes back.

Hacom sticks out his chin. "The Red Hour has already struck!"

Kirk scowls and sticks his tongue out at the man who is so obviously straight-and-narrow.

The second man and Hacom continue arguing, while Reger rolls his eyes. "Come with me," he says, leading Kirk and the landing party upstairs.

Hacom does a pout worthy of the best of drag queens. "The Lawgivers should know of this!"

"Surely they already know?" says his companion gently.

Hacom pouts in a horrified manner. "You mock the Lawgivers! Those strangers are _not _of the Body! We are _so over!_"

"But Hacom!" his 'friend' protests, as Hacom storms out the door.

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Reger leads them into a large room, with several sets of wooden bunkbeds lining the walls, obviously Reger has had a few sleep overs before. "You can come here after the Festival. You will need your rest," he raises an eyebrow at McCoy, who grins. Reger goes to the window, which is now totally black, even though a few minutes ago it was a bright afternoon.

"I'd...like to talk about this Festival...and...Landru." Kirk gives his most seductive smile and leans against the wall next to Reger.

Reger looks at him in shock and slams the window shut. "Shh!" he whispers. "Landru? You ask...You are strange...are you?..."

Taking advantage of his hesitation, Kirk pushes forward. "What about Landru?" he asks again.

Reger gapes at him and runs out of the room. McCoy waits until everyone's attention is on Kirk before he sneaks after Reger, little black purse in hand.

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Outside, people are still screaming and brawling and wildly snogging in the streets. Kirk glares moodily down at it all from his open window, doing his best Goblin King impersonation. He turns away from the window, which goes completely black and politely closes itself when we aren't looking. "Landru..." he mutters. Then he gathers himself together. "Gents, we've got until morning. Let's put the time to good use!" He looks around the room in a preoccupied manner. "Dr. McCoy, take atmospheric readings to determine whether the weather has anything to do with this. Mr. Lindstrom, correlate this with any other sociological parallels, if any. Mr. Spock..." Kirk walks over to the door and peeks out, checking for eavesdroppers. Spock strides to the door in his black cape (sans tea-towel) and gazes fondly into Kirk's eyes. "You and I have some serious..._thinking_...to do. When we leave here tomorrow morning, I want to have a plan of action." Kirk grins and leads Spock over with a hand on his back. "But first, bed!"

The Redshirts exchange glances, wondering which one of them has to tell Kirk that McCoy left ten minutes ago. Red #86 holds out a fist. "Rock paper scissors?"

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A/N-- So, did you like it? I thought I was getting a little rusty with that first chapter, but this one's up to snuff. -g-

Ta to my Mum for proofing this, and to my little brother for the Jareth bit.

And to anyone who has this episode-watch it, and you'll see, Spock truely does gaze adoringly into Kirk's eyes! It's so romantic... -g-


	3. Little Kirk

Disclaimer-- I do not own Star Trek, The Princess Bride, or the Lawgiver's big, brown sticks. For not owning that last one, I'm greatful.

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Morning sunlight fills the room, to give us the lovely view of various crew members lounging about on wooden bunkbeds. It would seem that Spock and Captain Kirk had a lover's spat the night before, because Spock is lying, alone and blanketless, on a top bunk with his eyes wide open. Kirk, however, _has_ a blanket, but is sitting on the floor, moping.

Kirk goes to the window and glowers enviously out at the partying populace. The clock within perfect view of his room dings six o'clock and everyone stops cavorting. At the last chime, they all continue walking about in vacant, mindless and content sorts of ways. Kirk pouts, because now he won't get any. He runs over and shakes Spock. "Wake up!"

Spock, still sulking, gives him the cold shoulder.

Kirk scowls and goes to wake McCoy.

The Doctor is passed out on the one twin bedframe in the room. Kirk, concerned that McCoy seems almost dead, starts to check his pulse, but stops when he realizes he can't count higher than ten, anyway.

There is a scream and Kirk jumps. He glances over to see if it was Spock and makes a face when he sees it wasn't.

McCoy jolts awake and leaps up, struggling to get into his coat and look presentable before Kirk notices his hickeys.

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Downstairs, Reger is holding a screaming redheaded woman, and the second old man from the night before is...massaging her back? Whatever he's doing, her shirt seems to be riding up an awful lot. McCoy and Spock, (still sans tea-towel, perhaps Kirk took it, and that is what they are fighting about? Ah, he must have taken it last night to use as a toga for his 'Little-Kirk'. No wonder Spock is upset!)

_Anyway,_ they take the screaming young woman away to 'give her a shot'. (A shot of _what_, you might ask!)

Redshirt #368 scowls. "You didn't even _try_ to save her!"

Reger looks sad. "It's Landru's will."

"What _about_ Landru?" Kirk quizzes, getting impatient with this whole 'don't tell Kirk anything about our demi-god' thing. "Who _is_ he?"

"So it is true then?" Oldman #2 asks. "You did not attend the Festival last night...that would explain the noises from upstairs last night, it sounded like a mechanical rice-picker on the fritz!"

Reger turns and stares at him. "What were you doing in my house last night?"

"Well, um..." he coughs and mutters something indistinct about a 'bathhouse'.

"AHEM!" Kirk clears his throat. "We are TALKING about ME here! No, I DIDN'T go to the Festival!"

"Then you are not of the Body!" Reger says in anguish, turning to look at McCoy.

Kirk jumps up and down. "WHY do people keep saying that?! I _AM_ THE BODY!!!" he stomps for good measure, then realizes that they are all walking away from him. "HEY!" He follows the two older men into the bathhouse–er, _parlor_.

McCoy and Spock are standing over the collapsed form of the Redhead. "She's sleeping!" McCoy says quickly.

Kirk, pouting, comes in last.

"Are you...?" Reger looks around at the circle of men in black suits and notices something odd. "HEY! Who adjusted the jets in my jacuzzi, and why are they pointing up?! But, anyways, are you...(dramatic pause) Archons?!"

Kirk looks down his nose at him. "What if we are?"

In the back, one of the Redshirts whispers to the other, "Does he mean Greeks? I'm Lambda Lambda Lambda..."

"Oh, is _that_ what you call it?" McCoy asks, somehow on a totally different tangent.

"If you are..." Reger pauses, trying to remember.

"We must hide them!" Guy #2 cries. "Quickly!"

Kirk is still grouchy at being ignored. "We can _take care_ of _ourselves_. If y'know what I mean. I mean, unless you _want_ to help...y'know."

"But Landru will know!" Moans #2.

Suddenly, two tall men in brown robes wielding large brown sticks walk into the room. Hacom runs in between them. "He mocked the Lawgivers! I heard him!" he shouts, looking like a foppish Wicked Witch of the West.

"NO Hacom!" Oldman #2 shouts, running behind Reger. "It was a jest!"

The Lawgiver on the RIGHT intones //Tamar, stand clear!// in a cool, echoing voice.

Guy #2 comes out from where he was crouched, hiding. "I hear and obey," he moans.

Reger does an eyebrow surprisingly similar to Spock's and makes a note of that line to use later that night.

RIGHT Lawgiver holds up his large brown stick and spews white, sparkly stuff at Guy #2.

Guy #2 jolts, and Reger looks horrified. Smoke floats up from somewhere below camera level and Reger jumps forward to lay #2 lovingly on the ground.

The Redshirts in the background high-five each other and do victory dances because they weren't the first to die.

//You attack the Body// RIGHT guy intones.

Kirk glares at him from the floor where he is trying to take Tamar's pulse, mad because the Lawgiver interrupted his counting. "Dammit, that's the last time someone says I'm not The Body!" Kirk rises menacingly.

//You have heard and disobeyed. You will be absorbed.//

Kirk narrows his eyes, wondering if this has something to do with the bathhouse he keeps hearing about. "What do you mean, 'absorbed'? Is that something to do with sponge baths?"

"There, you see? They are _not_ of the Body!" cries Hacom the fop with glee.

//You will be absorbed// repeats RIGHT. //The Good is all. Landru is gentle.//

Spock raises an eyebrow.

//Why is nobody paying attention to me??// whines the Lawgiver on the LEFT. //I have a big stick too, dammit!//

Everyone pretends not to hear him, because that seems to be the thing you do.

Kirk steps forward, totally ignoring LEFT, and glares into the camera for his dramatic, fade-out close-up.

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A/N-- I think 'Landru is gentle' might be my favorite line... Thanks to my Dad, who is parodying this with me, most especially for the bathhouse ideas (which we'll be seeing more of), the 'Lambda Lambda', and the toga for 'Little Kirk'. Review, review, review!! I am determined to get at least five more reviews before I let y'all read the next chapter. Mwa ha ha!

Allyp


	4. Lawgivers

Disclaimer-- I do not own Star Trek, The Princess Bride, or The Mummy. Just so you know.

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Kirk shows his contrary side. "We're not going anywhere!"

//The Law is the Law.// RIGHT intones redundantly.

LEFT Lawgiver sneers (or, we _assume_ he sneers, under the hood you can't really tell) and mutters to himself.

Kirk squares his shoulders. "I said...we're...not going...anywhere," he repeats firmly.

Spock does a double eyebrow. It seems he likes butch Kirk.

The Lawgivers turn to each other and stare into their hoods. This excludes Hacom the Fop, because he's so short they can look right over his head. To make up for his lack of height, the Fop glares fiercely at Kirk.

After a moment, Kirk smirks that he's outwitted the Lawgivers, who are still there gazing at each other from behind their bonnet-like hoods.

Reger watches in alarm, worried that they will turn and do their dreaded rendition of 'We are Siamese if You Please'.

Redshirt #368 wanders over to the window behind Kirk and sees that it is bricked up. He calls over his cohort. "Do you think something's shifted in the Matrix?"

Back in the main scene, Spock walks in front of Kirk. Everyone suddenly notices that Spock is wearing khaki pants, where the day before they were black. They also notice that Kirk's pants have overnight darkened in color. A lot.

Spock, seeing the turn in attention, retreats to the corner to practice his sign language under his cape. \S-P-O-C-K,\ he finger spells. \ MY NAME IS S-P-O-C-K. S-P-O-C-K I AM. I DO NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM, I DO NOT LIKE THEM S-P-O-C-K I AM.\

"Clearly they are not equipped to answer our questions. I surmise that they are part of a Dread Pirate Roberts convention here in town, a lesser-known affiliate of the _Princess Bride_ fangroups." S-P-O-- er, Spock, states to Kirk, just to make him stop smirking at the unmoving Lawgivers.

McCoy raises an eyebrow and shrugs at Reger's puzzled glance.

"Everything we've seen here so far...seems to indicate some sort...of compulsive, involuntary stimulus to action," Kirk says into his close-up.

The shot changes to Spock, who is open-mouthed in shock that Kirk not only managed to say that while sounding like he knew what he was saying, but with only two overly-long pauses!

The Reds in the background break into applause.

At this touching moment, the bonnet-wearing Lawgivers turn towards them. RIGHT says in his echoing voice //It is clear that you simply did not understand. We will rephrase.//

Kirk looks both miffed and impressed. _I wonder... if I_ _get one of those capes will it make _my _voice sound all cool and echoey?_ He glances over at Spock's cape thoughtfully.

//You will come with us to the Absorption chamber.//

Kirk steps forward dramatically, making sure to stop in time to keep all of his swollen head in the shot. "Why did you kill that guy, anyway? That's just rude, man."

//You will obey!// states RIGHT in his obnoxious, demanding way.

Left rolls his eyes and thumps his stick on the ground. //Why don't you ever let _me_ have a turn?// he complains. //You _always_ get the fun jobs!//

The Lawgiver on the RIGHT tries to poke Kirk with his large stick, but Kirk shoves it aside.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

Kirk snatches the huge stick from RIGHT and hands it back to Spock.

Spock raises his other eyebrow. "Captain, I believe we spoke about this last night. I am simply not into this sort of–"

Kirk shushes him, then turns back to Lawgiver RIGHT, who is now stick-less.

LEFT smirks. //Who's the stick-boy now, smarty?//

//YOU CANNOT!// cries RIGHT, his intoning voice suddenly quite a bit higher.

Spock sighs and sets to examining the stick.

There is a whirring sound and the Lawgivers turn to face out the door, nearly knocking over the Fop.

//IT IS LANDRU.//

The Fop turns. "Landru? Where? I simply _must_ get his autograph!" he runs out the door in search of the most famous name on the planet.

Spock looks the big stick head-on, which seems to be a singularly stupid and illogical thing to do, considering it just _killed_ the other guy. "Fascinating, Captain. It seems to be a Buck-and-a-quarter quarterstaff. And it is hollow, no mechanism."

Kirk turns to him in disbelief. "Well, duh!"

The Lawgivers freeze and emit a tricorder-like sound.

"They're communing! Let's go!" Reger shoves McCoy out the door and pulls Kirk behind him.

"Where?" Kirk asks, not protesting in the least at the view.

"To a place I know, where we will be safe. But we must hurry!"

They file out and Spock grabs his tea-towel from off his shoulder! (Kirk must have felt bad and returned it while Spock wasn't looking. Poor Little Kirk.)

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The party follows Reger's lead, walking slowly once they enter the streets and pasting 'vacant and content' looks on their faces.

Kirk, however, absolutely refuses to do _that_, and settles for 'mindlessness', which isn't very difficult.

They run into the creepy man with the top hat from before, whose name is apparently 'Bilar'.

"Let's _hurry!_" Reger urges. They all continue walking at a sedate pace.

Suddenly, all of the townspeople stop. (Except for one guy by the window, who was half a step behind.)

Kirk looks around. Everyone has frozen and is staring at him. "Are we playing 'Red Light, Green Light'?" he whispers.

"No," Reger says hoarsely. "It's Landru. He's summoning the Body."

"But I'm right here!" Kirk exclaims in a whisper.

"Telepathy, Captain," Spock whispers, as all the townspeople bend down and pick up large, heavy objects suitable for bludgeoning. (And not a Quaffle in sight!)

Doctor McCoy exchanges a look with Red #368 that clearly says "You're dead, Red."

The crew does a girly run around a corner as the possessed people start advancing. Of course, Reger takes them down a dark alley, from which _more_ zombie townies are advancing.

"Phasers on stun!" Kirk calls, itching for the chance to shoot somebody.

They all set their phasers and fire, except McCoy, who just pretends. \gasp!\ Has he already been converted? But how? Was it Reger, in the Bathhouse, with a candlestick?

They shoot several people, then run over the bodies. McCoy stops suddenly. "Lieutenant O'Neil! He's one of our men!" He kneels by the body. "He's not dead, Jim!"

"Jim, we have to hurry!" urges Spock. "Can't you hear what the mob is saying?"

They all pause to listen.

From around the corner, there comes a faint chanting of "Imhotep...Imhotep..."

Kirk shudders. Then, despite Reger's protests, he orders the Redshirts to bring O'Neil along, sensing the chance for some frat-boy fun.

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A/N-- So, here's the new chapter. This one was a lot of fun, again with a lot of running commentary by my dad. thanks dad! Here for your enjoyment (and Reviewing!!) is my little sister's poetry assignment for the week, which was directly inspired by this chapter. Reviewers get Woopie Pies!! Ahh, the joys of a little slash-writer in the making... (she still has three years until she can join the site, much to her dismay, so I know she'd love it if people mentioned her poem...)

A Poem by Spock

Spock I am,

I don't eat green eggs and ham,

So what do I eat?

Little red and green blocks maybe?

Well, I'll tell you,

Who I plan to woo,

None other than,

(Ta Da!)

The spoiled captain!

Yes, he is rather illogically spoiled,

But HE doesn't know,

That Scottie's plan to kidnap him has been foiled,

And now my ropes around Kirk are more tightly coiled,

So, Jim dear, leave a Lieutenant in control of your pretty grey vessel,

And come into my room so we can wrestle!

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Mwa ha ha...


	5. In the Dungeon

A/N-- Yay, a new chapter! Ta to all of you for waiting so long. If you don't remember the storyline, Kirk and crew have just run into an underground room, following Reger, and carrying Lt. O'Neil, who has been brainwashed...and I hope you'll forgive me, I just didn't have it in me last night to do Scotty's accent proper justice.

Disclaimer--I do not own star trek, in any way, shape or form, and have run out of ways to make this disclaimer more interesting. :(

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Reger pushes open a huge, solid stone door, leading to a huge, stone dungeon-thing. Conveniently, no one has ever _noticed_ this huge stone place before. Kirk and Spock run into it, followed by the Redshirts. Handily, the place is lined with the latest in Auto-torch technology, "So all your dungeons can be well lit as you open the door". Reger runs to a corner that is carved from solid stone and pushes aside a set of wooden bunkbeds. He pulls out a rectangle wrapped in a larger version of Spock's tea-towel. As he unwraps it, it lights the only shoddily-lit corner of the dungeon.

Kirk raises an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"An autographed photo of Gene Roddenberry," Reger says, hanging it on the wall.

Kirk turns to Spock for translation.

"Gene Roddenberry; the principal deity to a society of people known as 'Trekkies' or 'Trekkers'. He is also known as 'The Great Bird of the Galaxy'."

"So..." Kirk says slowly, "it's a picture...of God?"

Spock nods.

"Hence the glowing?" Kirk finishes.

"Yes."

"It comes from a time before Landru," Reger explains.

"Before Landru?" Kirk asks, confused again. "When was...that? How...long ago...was that?"

"Nobody knows–" Reger says, getting distracted by McCoy waving his clutch purse and batting his eyelashes.

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Captain, it took very advanced technology to construct a device like this."

Kirk rolls his eyes. "Yeah, and?"

Reger goes over to the bunkbed, which has no mattresses, where McCoy is sitting next to O'Neil. Kirk follows, stepping in-between them to guard his personal Doctor. McCoy takes a large black pen from his purse and fiddles with the cap becomingly, smiling at Reger. The Redshirts walk away from the corner Kirk goes into, knowing that if they stay around him for too long, they'll be killed in a cruel and unusual way.

Spock watches, his tea towel draped dashingly over a shoulder. As soon as Kirk's attention is lost to him, he pulls a tricorder out from under his cloak and starts calculating the statistical probability of McCoy being next on Landru's hit list.

"Those staffs, hollow tubes, antenna for some sort of broadcast power." Kirk looks around for someone who's listening to him.

Reger fawns at the corner of the bed, watching McCoy work, although we all notice that his eyes are somewhat lower than the good Doctor's hands.

Kirk scowls, then walks back to Spock, sulking slightly. "What _is_ it, Mister Spock?" he asks.

Spock thinks quickly, not even glancing up. "Immensely strong power generations, Captain," he says, turning to hide the stats screen from Kirk. (McCoy, 32.253 percent) "Somewhere near here..."

McCoy turns back from Lt. O'Neil, whom he has just finished drawing a mustache, goatee, and large, curly eyebrows on in Klingon Perma-Marker. "He'll be coming around soon, Jim."

"He must not!" Reger says quickly, in an adoring voice. "I need more time to watch you marker him–er– I mean...He's been absorbed! Like a Sponge!"

Kirk, shocked, comes around in-between Reger and McCoy. "Absorbed?!?"

"Yes," Reger says, standing straight and smoothing his hair back. "Um...the Body absorbs its enemies. It only kills when it has to. When the first Archons came, they were free...out of control. They taught me the way of the Jacuzzi..." Reger smiles off into space for a moment, lost in memories.

McCoy Harumphs.

Reger jumps and clears his throat. "Er, yes. They opposed the will of Landru. Many were killed. Many more absorbed." Reger makes a raspberry sound. "Just like that. Pop." He waves toward O'Neil. "If he wakes up, Landru will find _us_ through _him!_ Then he will take the bathhouse, and I'll never see it again! And if the others come..."

"What others?" Kirk interjects. "There is an Underground?"

Spock raises an eyebrow, considering. He adds this data into his stat machine. (McCoy, 67.316 percent) He nods to himself, then steps forward. "How are you organized?"

Reger pauses, startled in the realization that Spock's one eyebrow trick is just as elegant and beautiful as his darling McCoy's. He ponders this, completely losing the train of conversation. "In threes..." he murmurs, imagining the possibilities...

In the background, McCoy clears his throat. "Captain?"

Kirk turns slightly to show Reger his (clean-shaven) best side, giving his curl an extra twirl before saying "Who?" and crinkling his eyebrows in what he hopes is an attractive manner.

Lieutenant O'Neil, who had just woken up, swoons, hitting his head on the bunkbed and passing out again.

McCoy coughs loudly again. "Captain?"

Reger jumps at Kirk's addressing him. "Er...I don't know."

McCoy smacks Kirk's rear to get his attention. "Jim, goddamn it! Give me a decision! He's coming out of it!" He turns to O'Neil again, only to find him out cold once more.

Kirk turns, showing his other good side while he thinks.

"He must not regain consciousness! He'll destroy us all! He's of the Body!"

Kirk stiffens and glares at Reger, even his manly curl taking on a menacing cast. Sulking, he turns to McCoy. "Give him another shot," he growls, "keep him asleep."

Reger's knees go weak again and he clings to the bedframe.

Kirk pats him on the shoulder and leads him 'gently' over to a table and chair that suddenly appear against a wall. Reger sits down warily as Kirk, Spock and a Redshirt surround him. "This...Underground. If Landru is so powerful...how, do you survive?" Kirk asks melodramatically.

Reger looks pleadingly up at Spock but when he gets no response turns cautiously to Kirk. "I...don't know, Captain. It's been that way since the first Archons came."

"The Archons," Kirk interrupts, "tell me about them."

Reger sighs. "They had invaded the Body, but they resisted the will of Landru. You see, Landru had pulled them down from the skies. He knew they brought the secrets of the bathhouse with them, so he wanted them for his own."

"Pulled them down from the skies? A starship?" Kirk asks, looking consternated.

McCoy coughs loudly, his cough sounding suspiciously like "Prime Directive!"

Kirk ignores him, as usual. He looks up at his Vulcan lover–er–_officer_. "Mister Spock, those...readings you took...were they, powerful enough..."

"To destroy a starship? Yes." Spock finishes quickly, realizing that he probably shouldn't have made all that up. He makes a note for next time to tell Kirk he is doing barometric perimeter readings on the local gamma waves. Anything with enough technical-sounding jargon and Kirk automatically loses interest.

Kirk keeps eye contact with Spock as he reaches down and flips open his communicator in a manly way. "Kirk to _Enterprise, _come in."

Scotty's Highland brogue comes over the comm, and the scene flashes to the bridge of the _Enterprise_, where the Chief Engineer is standing just behind Uhura. "Captain, we're under attack! There's heat beams of some kind comin' oop from th' planet's surface!"

Kirk waits a moment for Spock to translate this for him, then turns back to the communicator. "Status report!"

"Our shields are holding, but they're taking all our power! If we try tae warp, or e'en move on impulse engines, we'll lose our shields and burn oop like a cinder!"

Uhura rolls her eyes at Kirk's long pause for translation.

"Orbit condition?"

"We're gooin' down, Captain," Scotty says grimly. "Unless we can get those beams off us, we're due tae hit atmosphere in less than 12 hours."

Kirk looks again for translation ("Bad."). "Keep your shields up!" Scotty starts to speak again and the communicator goes conveniently fuzzy.

"Captain!" Spock calls, holding up his tricorder.

Kirk shoves the communicator in his pocket quickly. "I didn't do it!"

Spock sighs and motions him over.

"What is it?"

"Sensor beams," Spock says grimly. "We're being probed."

The Redshirts snicker in the background. Reger turns and winks suggestively at McCoy. "Landru," he whispers.

"Block them out!"

"Too strong, Captain. Can't be blocked."

"But Jim," grins McCoy, "I thought you liked being–_ouch!_" McCoy rubs his knee where Kirk kicked him.

Reger moans and leans against the table, hands clasped as though praying.

Kirk stares at the rough stone wall, where a form is taking shape. The image of a man in a gold toga and far too much poorly-applied eyeshadow comes into focus. "I...am Landru," he says calmly, smirking.

Spock lowers his tricorder in fascination. He studies the dreadful hairstyle of Landru and takes into account the strange, computer-like sound the man is making. "Projection, Captain," he says offhandedly. "Unreal. See the impossible suspension in the hairstyle? Simply a hologram."

Landru gazes at Kirk.

"But...Beautiful, Mister Spock," Kirk says dreamily, straightening his lapels and ruffling his tie.

"You have come as destroyers," says the Landru-gram. "You bring an infection."

Kirk looks insulted and struts forward. "I'll have you know, I'm perfectly clean. Bones checked me out just last week. Didn't you, Bones?"

"He doesn't hear you, Captain," Spock says, scanning once more.

"Now look here–" Kirk begins.

"You will be absorbed," says the Landru-gram, smirking. "Your individuality will merge into the unity of good. And in your submergence into the common being of the Body–"

Kirk bristles. Somewhere far, far away, the Borg listening in on the conversation realize this is a really cool concept and file for a patent on this idea.

"You will find contentment, and fulfillment. You will experience...the absolute Good. Resistance is fut–"

"Noooo!" Kirk cries, clutching his hair. "Not..._contentment!_"

A high pitched whine fills the air and slowly they all collapse onto the floor as the room fades into darkness, the Auto-torches running dry at last.

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A/n--Mwa ha ha...I love Kirk torture. And Spock really does say "We are being probed." Honestly, half of this isn't made up at all. All of Landru's speech except for the last three words is true to the episode, it just sounded so much like the Borg I couldn't resist. Oh, and if you are in the mood for some Karma coming Kirk's way, check out TyroCat's 'Revenge of the Space Babes' http://www. fanfiction. net/u/1151632/ . When I was typing in "The Great Bird of the Galaxy", I kept hitting the N instead of the B, and ended up with "The Great Nerd of the Galaxy". -lol-

As always, reviews are much appreciated!

Allyp


	6. In another Dungeon

Disclaimer--I still don't own it, I'm still not making any money, etc.

A/N-- And here is the next chapter! I highly encourage all of you who own this episode to print off this chapter and watch the scene with it. I stuck quite close to the filmed script, which, as usual, makes it even funnier. Here as well is the Spock/McCoy pairing, as requested by the lovely FisheyMe, but you'll have to read a ways to reach it, our dear Doctor took his sweet time getting into this scene. As always, if you like it, review it! --Allyp

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Kirk awakens in a dungeon of another sort. He is propped up in a little alcove with Spock next to him. He staggers up and across the room. He stands behind an archway, shocked. Two redshirts are propped in another alcove. Kirk shudders and wipes his hands, wondering why they feel sticky. He looks up, amazed at the bright lights, since there are no auto-torches to be seen. He fixes his lapels, then notices a strange lightness in his vest. Patting his vest pockets, the Captain of the _Enterprise_ is suddenly alarmed.

"Where...where are they? My condoms! Someone's stolen my _Big Bill's_, 'The big protection for your little Captain'! What will I do without them?" He straightens, horrified. He whips around, then runs to a deeper nook, looking around for a condom machine. "Damn! They _must_ have them!" He runs past an auto-torch, now searching his pockets for quarters, and comes to a huge doorway, where there is a blank stone with no doorknob or hinges. "Of all the times for them to move the machine..." He slumps over to another corner, paying no attention to where he is going until he enters a cave-like scene. He looks around, confused, then sees what looks like a giant mound of carpet with pizza cheese on top. "Uh oh, I'm in the wrong episode." He hot-foots it back into the right episode and makes a beeline for Spock. He shakes him. "Spock, Spock! Have you seen my condoms?"

Spock blinks groggily. "Wha?"

Kirk growls and stalks off to the Redshirts, who are still passed out. As he passes behind a column, we see a large shadow pass over it-- perhaps Landru really _does_ see everything? You'd think he'd know to watch out for the lights, if that were the case.

Kirk frisks the Reds, seeing if their required spare condom supplies have disappeared too. They have. He pats his vest dejectedly, trying to remember if he'd just had too much to drink the night before. Spock comes to stand next to him and Kirk looks up mournfully, still patting his vest from reflex.

"Where is Doctor McCoy?" Spock asks.

"He was gone when I woke up. Him and that damned Reger, I'll bet _that's _where my _Big Bill's_ went! I knew I couldn't trust him!"

"Perhaps they were here and then...removed?"

"I bet they're in that bathhouse I keep hearing about!" He walks forward decisively. "But where...is...here?"

"Evidently a maximum security establishment," Spock says, walking towards the doorway.

"I think you mean _'dungeon'_, Spock? Oh, and don't go too far, I ran into the Horta episode over that-aways." He waves a hand in the general direction.

"Are you...'Armed'?" Spock asks, noticing with annoyance that the dungeon damp has wrinkled his cape and tea-towel.

"No..." Kirk says sadly. "All our...'phasers' are gone. I checked." He stares into the stage lights, blinking back manly tears of disappointment.

"Oh..."

Kirk and Spock turn as one. The Redshirts are finally emerging from their nook. "Oh, my head aches."

"A natural reaction to a hypersonic...probe," Spock says.

"Oh, that's what it was," Kirk mutters.

"If it had been stronger we might have been killed. As it was, we were merely rendered unconscious."

"Then why don't _you_ have headaches?" asks Red #86.

Kirk puffs out his chest. "Because I'm _The Body_, and he's _The Vulcan_," Kirk says. "But enough of analysis, let's think of a way to get out of here," he says, walking forward.

One Redshirt stares, mesmerized, at Kirk's backside, until Spock slaps the back of his head.

They walk around, Kirk wondering aloud about the Lawgivers' "inability to cope with the unexpected". Spock tells him not to count on it.

"You know...their reaction was remarkably similar to a computer fed insufficient data."

Kirk pauses. "Are you suggesting...that the Lawgivers are...not human?"

Spock rolls his eyes. "Quite human, Captain, except for the part where they are, in fact, _aliens_."

"Quite, quite." Kirk nods, proving that he is once again not listening.

"There are gaps," Spock adds for some reason.

There is a noise from the doorway and they all turn, hope lighting Kirk's face that they are bringing in a new condom supply.

A Lawgiver opens the door and shoves McCoy and a Redshirt in. The two men head straight for the first alcove, the door slamming behind them.

"Doc!" calls Kirk.

McCoy turns, an ecstatic look on his face. "Oh, hello friend!" He says calmly. "We were told to wait here." Then he turns away.

Kirk is shocked. _His_ CMO, rejecting him? "Doc!" he says again.

McCoy turns and pastes on another smile. "Can I help you, friend?"

Kirk stares at him, narrowing his eyes.

McCoy smiles blandly back. It seems he has gotten some LandruLove(tm).

"Don't you know me?"

"We all know one another," McCoy grins slightly and winks at Spock over Kirk's shoulder. "In Landru," he adds.

"Like Sulu," Spock says, staring at McCoy and trying to decide if the doctor was hitting on him or not.

Kirk looks back and forth between them, then shakes McCoy's shoulders. "Think, man! The _Enterprise,_ the ship! _My CONDOM stash_, remember?"

McCoy hides a smirk. "You speak strangely friend," he says slowly. "Are you from away?"

Kirk shakes the Doctor again. "Don't you remember?"

Spock looks a trifle annoyed at Kirk's rough treatment of the CMO.

McCoy just stares at Kirk. "Ask Landru," he says, raising his eyes rapturously and meeting Spock's gaze over the Captain's head. "_He_ remembers."

Kirk deflates and lets go of his former 'Captain's Man'.

McCoy frowns and looks him up and down. "You are strange," he says, "are you not of the Body?"

Kirk stares at him. McCoy sits down in the alcove, throwing Spock another wink.

Kirk turns to the Science Officer, his upper lip trembling. "There _is_ something wrong with Dr. McCoy! And I AM The Body! Landru's nothing but a, a TOENAIL!!"

Suddenly the door opens again and two Lawgivers enter, complete with their large, hollow sticks. //Come// intones the first, whom Spock recognizes as RIGHT, the Lawgiver Kirk emasculated earlier.

Kirk pouts and stomps his foot. "No, I don't _wanna!_"

//THEN YOU WILL DIE!// RIGHT, (his name now changed to 'FRONT' Lawgiver, to keep anyone knowing he is the same one who let Kirk steal his stick) says.

Spock raises an eyebrow and contemplates a new possibility. McCoy has not been killed, only rendered permanently happy and easy-going. Kirk, on the other hand, is next on the list and most likely will either get killed because of his temper or kept as a pet because of his exemplary physique. Transferring his affection seems the only logical thing to do. He turns to Kirk. "They have been corrected. You'd better go. After all, you _are_ The Body."

Kirk sighs. "All right." He glances around. "Work on Bones."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Work, Captain?"

"Yes. See if you can–"

//COME.//

Both men turn. Kirk looks consternated. He exchanges another glance with Spock, then swaggers toward the Lawgivers. "Fine," he mutters. "Maybe someone there will tell me where my _Big Bill's_ went."

The Redshirts watch mutely in the background. Spock's eyes follow Kirk to the door, with perhaps a hint of a smirk behind them.

The Lawgivers part to let Kirk pass, then glide after him. Despite the fact that Kirk shouldn't know the way. The door swings slowly shut behind them.

Spock waits until the door closes completely, then walks to McCoy. He sits beside him, careful not to wrinkle his tea-towel any more than it has been already. He leans in slightly toward the Doctor. "Dr. McCoy, what will happen to him?"

McCoy looks up at the stage lights. "He goes to joy. Peace and tranquility."

Spock tilts his head, a smile pulling at his mouth. McCoy scoots a little closer. "He goes to meet Landru."

Spock looks the Doctor up and down and decides he likes the way logic applies in this situation.

Redshirt #368 (the straight, rock-bouncing one) stares in disbelief at the two senior officers.

"Happiness," McCoy whispers, leaning towards Spock and putting a hand on his leg, "is to all of us blessed by Landru."

Spock raises an eyebrow, then looks into the camera and smirks.

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A/N #2– My little sister helped me a lot with this chapter, she is the one who began the condom joke, as well as Landru being nothing but a toenail, and Kirk saying "I don't wanna". My dad is the one who came up with Kirk's condom brand, Big Bill's. Everything else was either mine or actually _in_ the episode.

Note to the readers: referring to someone as "from away" is a Maine-ism, and is quite common in referring to someone who has lived here less than 20 years, but McCoy actually says it in this episode. Very odd. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Vacation Land". (Yes, I know people must use it elsewhere, it just sounds funny coming from McCoy, accent and all)


	7. Disco, er, Torture never dies

Disclaimer--I own naught, Paramount, I bite my thumb at thee!!

Special thanks to my reviewers of last chapter, Traycon 3 and Fishey Me, and Antidaeophobia. Ta very muchly!

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Kirk is in the torture/absorbing chamber. He is standing Very Heroically. In fact, if he were standing any more Heroically, he'd be in danger of seriously disappointing his next conquest.

The Lawgivers stand to either side of him, looking as though he's impaled them through the chest with their own large sticks.

The Captain is manacled to the wall, in front of a giant panty-liner. He eyes the Lawgivers, thinking, _Look at the size of the 'Big Bill's' they'd need for _those However, he doesn't look terribly discomfited, the position he is in bringing back memories of his Academy days.

A balding man in tacky orange robes limps into the room and up to the control panel, where yet _another_ Lawgiver is standing. "I am Marpion," he says, bowing. "It is your hour, happy communing."

The L.G. in the poke-bonnet bows back. "Many thanks," he croaks. Clearly he has replaced his big stick with a giant cigar and has taken to smoking too much on breaks. Marpion makes a note to mention this to Landru, for a Lawgiver that cannot //INTONE// is no Lawgiver at all.

The Lawgivers all leave and Marpion steps into the round glass booth with the control panel.

Kirk looks around nervously, wondering if the guy is going to shower or something. He sees two more doors, and through the one that is open, sees a brain that looks suspiciously like a vulcan's.

Marpion puts on a set of headphones. Strobe lights come on suddenly, colored spotlights swing around the floor and the overhead lights dim.

Kirk is very alarmed.

Marpion adjusts his robes, puts on a dark pair of sunglasses, and opens a frequency. He speaks in a deep, smooth voice. "This is Mix Master Marpion, bringing you the latest from LandruLoveLive. Here with us today is a very special guest about to join us in the Body, the lovely Captain Kirk."

Kirk is very, _very_ alarmed.

"But for right now, here is a request from Lawgiver #38..." Marpion sets a record playing and music fills the air. _I fought the Law and the Law won, I fought the Law and the Law won._

Marpion sets two more records on the panel and starts scratching, dancing and shaking his orange-clad booty. The glass shower stall starts to spin and a lit disco ball descends from the ceiling. The music changes to _Vogue_, and the scratching gets louder.

Kirk screams.

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Abruptly, the scene switches. Spock is leaning over Doctor McCoy, doing something that involves holding his face very close. "You will not remember anything that happened in the last two hours. Any soreness you feel is simply part of the LandruLove(tm)." While he is holding up his hands, we notice that his shirt sleeves have suddenly gotten much too short and that McCoy's shirt is buttoned up a little oddly.

"Well?" says Redshirt #86 (the one with the good hair) impatiently.

Spock sighs and stands. McCoy smiles dreamily up at him.

Redshirt #368 (the straight one with the _bad_ hair) comes out from the corner, where he has been huddled, covering his eyes, for the past two hours.

"Impossible," says Spock, disgruntled. "He is under extremely powerful control."

"I'll say!" Agrees Red #86. "I've never _seen_ such stamina!"

Spock whips around and glares at him.

Redshirt #368 peeks around from behind his friend. "A-are we just going t-to stand here?" he stutters.

Spock turns away. "There is little else we can do," he says, disappointed. "We've run out of lube." He walks off to the side. "I shall go see if the Horta has any she will lend us. Unless you can think of a way to get through that door." He leans against the wall, exhausted.

"Well, this is ridiculous!" exclaims the straight Redshirt. "A bunch of stone-age characters running around in robes–"

"And apparently commanding powers far beyond our comprehension," Spock cuts in, perhaps feeling that his cape and tea-towel have been slighted in the negative reference to robes.

McCoy winks at him.

Then the door opens. Two Lawgivers walk slowly in. FRONT (TheLawgiverFormerlyKnownAsRIGHT) points his big stick at Spock.

The Lawgiver in back sniffles. His robe is clearly four inches too short, and a distinctly red shade, and we see that this is_ LEFT_ Lawgiver! Clearly FRONT got sick of his smart-ass attitude and shrunk his robe in the wash! He must have stuck it in Landru's washer, to get that horrid shade, and now poor LEFT has to prance about in a tiny robe, while FRONT can be big and menacing!

//YOU!// FRONT intones to Spock. //COME!//

Spock raises his eyebrows. Clearly, the Lawgivers wasted no time in adopting Kirk's habits. He turns slightly and sticks his tongue out at the Redshirts, because he has been picked next, instead of them. Then he stops. "No, it can't be!" horrified, he rechecks his calculations. "O'Neil, McCoy, Kirk, me...AAUGH!!" He cries in despair, tearing at his hair. "_FOURTH_!! Noo! How did they know?? What if Mother finds out?!?"

Stunned into obedience, Spock walks out the door and the Lawgivers follow.

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Back at the disco–er–torture chamber, Kirk is being un-manacled. The lights are all back to normal, ready to scare the next victim.

Kirk walks forward, slightly bow-legged, away from the giant panty-liner. The geometric-pear-shaped door opens and Spock comes in, closely followed by the Lawgivers.

Kirk smiles in vacant contentment and raises a hand to his heart. "Joy to you, friend," he says, smiling. "You will be filled with Landru...'s peace."

Spock glares in shocked suspicion as Kirk walks by, very close in front of him. Kirk leans close for a moment and whispers "Fourth!" before leaving. FRONT Lawgiver's eyes follow as the Captain passes, clearly thinking _// Oh, he's _definitely_ of the Body now//_ And LEFT wolf-whistles.

Spock purses his lips, consternated.

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Spock is now manacled to the giant panty-liner with the Lawgiver's huge sticks pointed at his face, thinking that this might not be so bad after all. "I see your stick is very large indeed," he says, raising an eyebrow. The Lawgivers both smirk, each thinking that the Vulcan is talking to _him_ alone, and lift their sticks, walking away. The view pulls back and we see that Spock's tea-towel has been treated rather roughly, flung over his shoulder and wrinkled again.

The Lawgivers leave the room and lights start flashing to the beat of the music filling the air. _I'm too sexy for my shirt..._ Spock starts tapping his toes. _I know this one! _he thinks.

Marpion looks up at him from behind the glass booth. "Have no fear friend, the effects are harmless. My name is Marpion. I was too late to save your first two friends, they were absorbed."

Spock thinks back to before he and McCoy were interrupted. "I will second that statement."

"Beware of them," Marpion finishes. He presses a button on his panel and Spock is freed.

Spock looks slightly disappointed, but covers it by rearranging his tea-towel and cape.

Marpion rolls his eyes and waves him over. "Come on Darth Maul, I haven't got all day."

Spock strides over huffily. "What about the Captain?"

"He is unharmed. Unchanged."

Spock raises an eyebrow. This situation will prove more difficult than he had wagered. Whom should he chose – LandruLove(tm)ed McCoy, or the ever...enthusiastic...Kirk?

"I am the third man in Reger's...triad," says Marpion. "We have been awaiting your return."

Spock raises an eyebrow again. "We are not Archons, Marpion–"

"Whatever!" Marpion cuts in. "You are in fulfillment of prophecy! We ask your help!"

"Where is Reger?" Spock demands, his...curiosity...aroused. "And are we to meet in this bathhouse I've heard of?"

"He will join us, he is immune to absorption." He looks urgent, placing his hands on Spock's chest. "We have not much time!" He leads the taller man to the door.

"Who is Landru?" Spock adds.

Marpion turns swiftly and puts his hands, _again_, on Spock's chest. Must be the whole triad thing. "I cannot answer your questions now, Landru will hear!" From somewhere underneath his robe, he pulls two phasers. "Here are your weapons, you may need them! And here as well..." he passes him a box with the words _VULCAN brand condoms –It's the Logical thing to do– _on it. "You will _certainly_ need these." He winks.

Spock accepts, clearly still flattered by the man's invitation to join his...triad. He tucks the things under his cloak.

The door opens and Marpion jumps away from the Vulcan guiltily, straightening his robes. The Lawgivers enter. "Behave as you saw your Captain behave!" Marpion whispers.

Spock nods slightly. He puts on a solemnly vacant look.

"It is done!" says Marpion dramatically.

Spock walks toward the Lawgivers. "Joy be with you," he intones. "Peace and contentment." The Lawgivers part as he passes. He smirks, pleased. This has been a most rewarding day. He turned out _not_ to be FOURTH and new...opportunities between Kirk, McCoy, and Reger's triad have opened. All in all, he decides, a most rewarding day.

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A/N-- Ah ha! I got another chapter up! Bonus, any Blackadder fans who write in get a brownie with sprinkles!

TOS fans get brownies with frosting. ;) My Dad helped me a lot with this one, and came up with the Vulcan condom catchphrase. (thanks Dad!)

Oh, and for the FOURTH! joke, see my parody of 'The Jihad"

Reviews are always appreciated!

--Allyp


	8. The Endish

Chapter Eight, The Last One.

A/N-- Okay folks, this is it- the last official chapter of this parody. Doubtless there will be deleted scenes later on, but this is the final chapter. (dramatic drumroll). It is also highly likely that there will be no more parody for the next few months, as I am moving, and I don't want to torture my roommates with my method of parody. (Torturing siblings with it is another matter, mwa ha ha...)

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Spock enters the dungeon (maximum security) and bows to McCoy, with his tea towel thrown jauntily over a shoulder. He goes around the corner to where Captain Kirk and the non-LandruLoved™ Redshirt are standing in close conference. The Red jumps quickly away from Kirk and looks down, shuffling his feet and quickly straightening his clothes.

"Captain?"

"Peace and tranquility to you!" Kirk says loudly, placing a hand over his heart. "Contentment!"

"Are you all right, Captain?" Spock whispers after a moment, when Kirk does not remove his hand.

Kirk leans in close. "Marzipan gave me a stash of _Big Bill's_, and this time I'm going to make _sure_ no one takes them away."

Spock nods. "Watch out for McCoy, he may try something."

Kirk grins and winks.

Right on cue, McCoy pops up from behind Spock's shoulder and glares at the group. "You speak in strange whispers," he says suspiciously. "That is not the way of Landru."

All three men (Redshirts don't count) quickly place their hands on their chests, in the name of Landru. McCoy smiles dreamily at the name. Kirk has just kept his hand over his _Big Bill's_ stash, and looks more eager than anything else. Spock just looks ready to backhand someone.

"Joy be yours!" Kirk shouts, thinking this will cover it up. "Tranquility, and..." he winces, "contentment."

McCoy beams. "And peace and harmony," he agrees, in a slightly drugged tone. "Are you of the Body?"

Kirk forces a painful-looking grin. "The Body is...One."

Spock hides his smirk and gives Kirk a faux-sympathetic look.

"Blessed be the body," McCoy grins giddily, "and all of his–er–_its_ parts."

Spock looks down at Kirk appraisingly. "Indeed."

Kirk grins broadly and raises his hand to clap Spock and the Redshirt on the shoulders, finally letting go of the _Big Bill's._ "My friends..." he leads them over to another nook, keeping the Red behind him as a safety measure. "What is your theory, Mr. Spock?"

Spock rearranges his tea towel. "Well, Captain, depending on how many 'weapons' you have, that we could divide into pairs, a pair and a triad, or all five..." he trails off at the look Kirk is giving him. "Of course, you meant the _planet_, Captain," he says quickly. "Er–it is a...souless society, Captain. It has no spirit, no spark. All is indeed peace and tranquility, the tranquility of the machine. All in all rather marvelous, don't you think?"

"And when something happens to one of its...parts?" Kirk murmurs, peeking over at McCoy and grinning at the dazed, happy look on his face. "When something..._unexpected_, happens?"

"Their routine is disrupted and until their lovin–er–_orders_ are received, they can make no action. The question is," Spock continues, giving Kirk a chance to figure something out on his own, "_who _is giving the orders?"

Kirk looks grim, concentrating hard. "Landru?"

Spock shakes his head. "There _is_ no Landru, Captain. Not in the human sense. Not even in the Vulcan sense, which is infinitely superior." To Spock's great surprise, Kirk smiles attractively, a glint in his eye.

"Are you thinking the same thing I am?"

Spock nods, fluttering his blue-eyeshadowed eyes.

Kirk smirks, showing his good side. "Mister Spock, the plug must be pulled."

Spock raises his eyebrows. "_Again_, Sir? Or is this some sort of human sexual device I am not familiar with?"

"Landru must die!" Kirk cuts in quickly. "All the LandruLove™ in the world is not enough for me to put up with this 'of the Body' crap! I AM the Body, Dammit, and I want the whole galaxy to know it!"

Spock gives a half nod. "But Captain, our Prime Directive of _Non_-interference."

"That refers to a..._living_..._growing _culture, Spock! Do you think this one is? I mean, their keywords are Vacant and CONTENT! NO society like that is worth living in!"

The door opens, and Reger and Marpion enter, no doubt drawn by Kirk's hissy-fit. They do their content bows to the LandruLoved™ Redshirt and McCoy. McCoy smiles and rises, his hand over his heart. "Joy to you all, friends."

"It is the gift of Landru," answers Marpion. He and Reger exchange smirks and walk to Kirk and Spock's nook, to stand on either side of Kirk.

While Marpion hands Kirk back their communicators, Reger leans in to whisper in his ear. "Have you thought any more about joining our 'triad'?" He puts another cache of 'weapons' in Kirk's hand.

Kirk glances at the package. 'Klingon Stretch, XL – For the Hard-to-Fit Man in Your Life'. "Not my size," he whispers, passing them to Spock. "I take a double-X L."

Spock glances down at them and hands some back to the Redshirt standing behind him.

"What we _really_ need," Kirk continues to Marpion, "is more information about Landru."

Marpion glances at Reger for Kirk's answer, and the man quickly shakes his head.

"You said you wanted us to..._help_ you?" Insists Kirk.

Marpion sighs. "You make me sad. Very well. The prophecy says–"

"Never mind what the prophecy says!" Kirk interrupts hastily, fearing another mention of 'the Body'. "If you want to be liberated from Landru, we'll need your help."

Spock is distracted from puzzling out that line by the appearance of McCoy. "Captain!"

They turn and see McCoy at the edge of their nook, glaring. Spock whips the Klingon Stretches behind his back, hoping the Doctor didn't see.

"You're not of the Body!" McCoy shouts, pointing. "You're NOT of the Body!"

Kirk forces a smile. "Peace to you, friend," he shouts over McCoy. "Joy and tranquility!"

Bones grabs Kirk around the neck, shaking him. "Traitor! Traitor!"

The Loved-up Redshirt throws a sloppy punch at Spock, who swishes his tea towel and knocks him out.

"Doc," Kirk wheezes to McCoy, who is choking him, "I don't want to hurt you!"

"Traitor!" McCoy screams again.

Kirk's face is turning purple. "I don't want to hurt you!" he gasps.

"Trai–" McCoy slumps over, unconscious, from the effort of strangling his Captain after all the energy he used up after Spock 'worked' on him. He falls into Kirk's arms, and Spock hovers behind them, trying not to look concerned. "Aw, Doc!" Kirk says, laying McCoy on the floor. "You messed up my necktie! I wonder why he passed out?"

"Er– it must have been from the strain of Landru's influence, Captain," Spock says quickly.

The door creaks. "Spock!" Kirk hisses. Despite the fact that Kirk is closer to the door, Spock beats him there by a good thirty seconds, running to one side of the archway as Kirk pants up to the other side.

Two Lawgivers enter. Kirk and Spock leap into action. Kirk judo-chops his L.G. on the shoulder, which causes him to fall to the floor and lie still.

Spock knocks out the other L.G. with an impressive right hook and turns to Kirk.

The Captain looks puzzled. "Isn't that somewhat old-fashioned, Spock?"

Deciding that only the S/Mc fangirls/guys could truly understand his anguish, Spock refrains from comment.

"Robes!" Kirk says, leaping at the chance to undress his Lawgiver. "Finally, I can make my voice //INTONE// the way they do!"

Spock shrugs, then starts unbuttoning his Lawgiver's robe.

Kirk strides over to where Marpion and Reger are huddled in a corner. Struggling with his robe, he glares at them. "Where is Landru?"

Marpion looks shocked and Reger puts a protective arm in front of him. "No, no!"

"Where do we find him?" Kirk demands.

Reger and Marpion exchange concerned looks, clutching each other for support. "We...do not _see _him," Marpion says finally.

Kirk looks puzzled, and not the least because his robe is suddenly perfectly arranged and buttoned.

"We..._hear _him...in the...Hall of Audiences." Marpion shivers.

"Alright, quit making fun of my speech pattern!" Kirk growls.

The two planet residents quiver and hold each other closer.

"Is it in this building?"

"Yes!" gasps Marpion tearfully.

"Good. You're gonna take us there," Kirk says, relieved to have gotten anywhere with this pair of crybabies.

"No!" cries Marpion, burying his face in his hands. "No!"

Reger pats his..._shoulder _soothingly. "There, there..."

Kirk rolls his eyes. "Spock, call the _Enterprise_." He turns. "Spock?"

The Vulcan pops suddenly into view around the corner, tucking in his shirt and straightening his robes. "Er, yes, Captain?"

"What took you so damn long, Spock? Call the _Enterprise_!"

Spock raises a doubtful eyebrow. "Captain, we are in a stone dungeon. I don't know how many bars we will have down here."

"Well, do it anyway!" Kirk turns back to Reger and Marpion, who cringe and wail.

"Snap out of it!" Kirk says, shaking them. "Start acting like men!"

Spock, meanwhile, has dug out his communicator and tries standing by an Auto-Torch™ for better reception. "Spock to _Enterprise,_ status report."

On the ship, Scotty runs to Uhura's station. "Er, Spock! I've been tryin' tae reach you!"

Spock looks concerned. "Report, Scott!"

Scotty looks around the Bridge. The ship looks fine, and the bridge crew are all watching the Engineer eagerly, trying not to laugh. "The orbit's still decaying, Captin. Those heat beams're still on us, ye've got tae cut them off, Mr. Spock!"

Uhura joins Scotty at her station, one hand over her mouth to keep from snickering. "I give us six hours tops, Mr. Spock."

"Stand by, Scotty, we're doing the best we can," says Kirk, enjoying the way the Lawgiver's robe gives his voice a slight echo in the dungeons, even without the hood up. "Oh, and...how's Sulu?"

"Sulu?" Scotty glances over his shoulder at the helmsman, who waggles his eyebrows and gives a double thumbs-up, his rumpled shirt and mussed hair matching Scott's.

"Aye, he's peaceful enough, Captin."

"Put a guard on him."

"On _Sulu?_"

"That's an order. Watch him closely!"

Scotty grins. "Aye, Captin, I'll watch him _verra _closely!"

"Good. Kirk out."

Spock hands Kirk a phaser and the Captain turns again to Reger and Marpion, who have calmed somewhat. "Alright," he says firmly. "About Landru."

Reger winces, but begins. "There was war...convulsions!"

Marpion nods eagerly.

"The world was destroying itself!" he looks up and clutches at Marpion's arm ecstatically. "_Landru _was our leader. He saw the truth."

Kirk listens carefully, frowning. Spock scowls from over his shoulder.

"He changed the world! He took us back, back to a simple time..."

"A time of bathhouses?" Kirk mutters.

"A time of peace and tranquility!" Reger corrects, blushing.

"What happened to him?"

Reger stops, shocked.

"He is still alive," says Marpion defiantly.

"He is here now. He sees, he hears." Then Reger realizes what he is saying and his face crumples. "Sees...hears...We have destroyed ourselves!"

Marpion strokes his shoulder reassuringly. "Please, no more!"

Kirk sighs. "You two are the worst revolutionaries I've ever met! You said you wanted freedom! Now come on, show us Landru!"

"No! No!" cries Reger to the ceiling. "I was wrong! I submit! I bare myself to the will of Landru!" he pulls at his shirt and Spock's eyebrows jump up.

"It's too late for that!" Kirk says, annoyed.

"No!" shouts Reger again, jumping up. "Help! Lawgivers! Help!"

Kirk rolls his eyes and shoves the man at Spock, who pinches him and drops him in the nearby alcove.

"Alright," Kirk says, getting really annoyed now. "It's up to you, Marzipan! Take us to Landru!"

----------------------------------------

The chamber is large and grand, with huge columns and a highly polished floor. It is also hideous, Landru having picked the exact shades of brown, tan, orange and blue that would not go together, no matter how many throw pillows and area rugs you put in.

Kirk, Spock and Marpion stride up the hall, the pilfered Lawgiver robes giving them an ominous air. They march up to the door, which brings the room to a whole new level of hideousness, with a pink-and-blue diamond pattern, as well as diamond-shaped doorknobs.

"This is the Hall of Audiences," declares Marpion, his voice echoing impressively.

"Open it," Kirk says grouchily. He has discovered that his voice does not, in fact//INTONE// while wearing the hood of the L.G. If anything, it makes his voice higher!

"But, this is Landru!" protests Marpion.

"Open it!" Kirk chirps in his higher voice, "so I can get out of this stupid bonnet and be done with it!"

Spock is taken by a sudden 'coughing fit' and turns, glad his hood covers his smirk, even if he did have to leave his tea towel behind in the dungeon.

Marpion bows reluctantly to the doors, and they swing silently open. The three men step forward into a room with an even worse color scheme than the last one. Kirk looks around, then gladly whips off his robe.

To the grief of fangirls and -guys around the galaxy, he is still wearing his suit underneath it. "Landru!" he shouts, walking forward. "Landru! We are the Archons! We want to talk to you about this whole 'of the Body' thing!"

Spock steps out of his robe and studies the room in silence.

Suddenly an image appears on the bricked-up wall ahead of them. A man in a gold toga whose hair looks like it has been electrocuted stands there. Marpion hides his face in his hands as the Landru image stares piercingly at them.

Spock raises an eyebrow and Kirk looks doubtful.

"Despite my efforts to save you," says the hologram in a tinny voice, "you have invaded the Body and are causing great harm."

Kirk is so busy smirking at the word 'invaded' that he doesn't even flinch at the 'Body' reference. "We have no intent of causing harm," he says, still smirking slightly. "But this...'invading' stuff...is that anything like 'probing'?"

"Obliteration is necessary," continues the Landrugram in a melancholy tone. "The infection is strong. For the good of the Body, you must die. It is," he looks Kirk up and down. Especially down. "A _great _sorrow."

"We...do not intend to...die," Kirk says suggestively. "Listen–"

"Useless, Captain," Spock says. "He is a projection. And I am beginning to wonder whether he believed himself to be one of your human 'white blood cells', as they were so quaintly called. All this talk of removing infection, and invading the body."

"He's a protection?" Kirk asks, puzzled. "I have some here," and whips out some _Big Bill's_.

"No Captain. _Projection_. He is merely an image."

Kirk shrugs. "Very well then, let's see this projector then, shall we?" He puts the 'protection' back in his pocket and whips out his phaser instead.

They fire at the Landrugram, which dissipates into a pink splotch that grows until there is a large hole in the wall. They stop firing, to reveal large machines behind the bricked-up wall. Kirk smirks over at Spock, who raises an eyebrow and smirks right back. "Of course," says Kirk, pleased. "It had to be."

Marpion stops crying long enough to look up and wince.

"Landru," announces Kirk, swaggering forward and pleased that his voice now has a nice echo to it.

"A machine," Spock agrees. "This whole society is a machine's concept of perfection. Peace, harmony–"

"But no soul," Kirk says quickly, to avoid the dreaded 'C' word. "Good thing Bones isn't here right now, or he'd have some joke about you fitting in perfectly, eh?"

"Yes, Captain," Spock says dryly. "It is most fortunate then that you were here to make the association for him."

"I am Landru!" says the computer, rather less impressively than before. "You have intruded!"

Kirk smirks once again. "Pull out its plug, Mr. Spock," he says and aims his phaser at the machine.

Realization dawns on Spock's face and he aims his phaser with the Captain's.

A light flashes, and the only sound is the clicking of broken phasers. "Hey!" shouts Kirk.

"Your devices have been neutralized," says the machine smugly. "I am Lan–OW!"

Kirk's phaser bounces off the machine's light-up screen. The Captain smirks.

"I AM LANDRU!" says the machine.

"Landru is dead!" Kirk shouts back. "He died 6,000 years ago!"

"I AM Landru! I am he!" the computer cries. "All that he was, I am! His experience, his knowledge–"

"But not his wisdom!" interrupts Kirk. "He may have programed you, but he could not have given you a soul! No amount of LandruLove™ can replace that!"

There is a shocked silence. "Your statement is irrelevant!" The machine says, its voice rather squeaky now. "You...you will be...obliterated! The Good of the Body is the Prime Directive!"

Harry Potter Fans: "Ooh, oo! 'The Greater Good'! Woot!"

TOS Fans: –Group tackle the HP fans and stuff them into the shuttle bay, then open the outside doors and revel in the silence–

"The good of the Body, Captain," says Spock, ignoring Kirk's wince. "That is the key."

"Yes." Kirk thinks for a moment. Then he walks forward and sets a foot on the remainder of the wall, showing off his shapely thighs. He turns his best good side to the Landru machine and gazes at it with his most soulful eyes. "What..._is_ the good?"

"I...I am Landru," says the machine hesitantly, distracted by the Captain's pose.

"Landru is dead!" Kirk says again. "You are a machine. A question has been put to you, now answer it!"

"The Good is...the good...the good is the harmonious continuation of your–THE! Of _the _Body...the good is peace...er–the good Body–OF the Body is the Prime Directive."

Kirk smirks, knowing he has nearly won. "Then I put it to you, that you have disobeyed the Prime Directive. You have harmed The Body!" he turns his hand to the machine, showing it the bruise caused by one of the Lawgivers.

"The Body is...it exists! It is healthy!"

"The Body is harmed! You have harmed it!"

"Do...do you have a question?" the machine asks desperately.

Kirk casually pushes back his jacket to give a full view to everyone involved. Several Kirk Fangirls/guys faint. "What have you done..." he says slowly, savoring the moment, "to do justice to the full potential of The Body?" He tosses his hair back.

The Landru machine clicks and wiggles its lights, probably the mechanical equivalent of clearing its throat nervously. "Insufficient data."

"Are you aiding The Body or destroying it?" Spock puts in.

"I–I am not programed to answer that question!" The machine says quickly.

"Landru! Landru, guide us!" Like the Turtle skeletons in Super Mario Brothers, two Lawgivers have risen from the crumpled remains of their robes, left on the floor by Kirk and Spock.

Kirk grabs at his pocket, forgetting that he has no phaser, but Spock holds out a hand. "Not necessary, Captain; they are powerless. You see? They are no longer //INTONING//."

Kirk smirks once again and turns back to the machine, pulling his coat back once more. "Landru...answer the question."

"This...this is impossible!" squeaks the machine.

"Is this truly Landru?" Marpion asks, amazed.

"What's left of him," Spock replies. "After he built and programed this machine 6,000 years ago. However, there is no machine built that can resist the wiles of James T. Kirk."

"You must create the good, that is the will of Landru," Kirk says to the machine.

"But...I have created nothing so good as you! But...but there is Evil!"

"Then the evil must be destroyed!" Kirk says, propping his leg up again and causing the Landru machine's logic analyzers to go haywire. "That is the Prime Directive and you are the Evil!"

Its self esteem thoroughly shattered, the machine's panels start to smoke and flash. "Help me! Help me!" Explosions burst within the machine and smoke and sparks fly out.

Kirk watches, pleased, but Spock flinches and turns away, unable to watch such a parody of logic destroy such a fine machine.

Soon, it is over. Kirk walks in to the machine, glances it over, and walks out again, satisfied. "Well, Marpion, you're on your own now. Have fun cleaning up this mess." He glances at the robed Lawgivers watching mutely. "If I were you, I'd start looking for another job." He looks them up and down. "Open up a monastery, maybe." Jauntily, he flips open his communicator. "Kirk to _Enterprise_, Come in."

Scotty answers, sounding a wee bit breathless. "Er, Captin, are ye alright?"

"What about the ship?"

"Ah, the, uh..heat rays, yes. The heat rays have gone, Captin, and uh, Sulu's back to normal..."

Sulu quickly pulls on his shirt and finishes buckling his belt. "Er, relieving _you_," he says, clapping a helmsman on the shoulder.

"Excellent, Scotty," Kirk says, after Spock translates for him. "Stand by to beam up landing party." He snaps the communicator shut and, checking his condom collection, turns to Spock. "Let's, uh, go see how the others are doing..." he glances behind him at the orange-robed Marpion, who is still in shock. "Marpion can finish up here."

------------------------

"Captain's log, stardate 3158.7. The _Enterprise_ is preparing to leave Beta lll. A sociologist named...uh...(whispers in background) _Lindstrom_, right. Lindstrom. Anyway, he's staying behind with a team of experts to help restore the planet's culture." Kirk sits firmly down in his chair, looking thoroughly satisfied.

"Fortunate, Captain."

Kirk looks over to Spock. "What?"

"It is fortunate that Starfleet officers do not implode if they breech the Prime Directive. As the Landru machine did."

"True, Spock."

"For, if they did, you would have been deceased long ago."

Kirk narrows his eyes, smiling. "Mister Spock, I think you would make a splendid computer."

Spock does his best to conceal his surprise. "That is very kind of you, Captain."

Kirk grins, batting his eyelashes.

"Now, if you will excuse me, Captain, Doctor McCoy has insisted I have a thorough physical at 1800 hours, to be certain the probing of Landru had no adverse effect on me."

Kirk laughs and slaps Spock on the shoulder. "You poor soul. Still, I can't provide you with an excuse to skive off this time, so you'd best be getting on. Doctor's orders are doctor's orders, after all."

"Indeed, Captain," Spock says with a nod. "Indeed." He walks to the lift and as the doors close, he pulls a certain black tea towel from his pocket and smiles, saying one last word. "Sickbay."

-----------------------------

A/N --There, that's it. I hope you all enjoyed it, I've been working on this episode for more than a year now. 0.o This last chapter is more than twice as long as the previous ones, yay! and took me four hours to write, but I was determined to get it done. Bask in the slashy goodness. And review! You will make me happy!

Allyp


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